Personal Image

Personal Profile for Sunflower Painter

I am: Female
I am from: Canada
My occupation: Artist
My hobbies: Reading, painting, being with my family.

My Goal: I, Sunflower Painter pledge my commitment to reach my goal. My goals are:

  1. Is to be able to cope better with situations I am not in control of, or are anxious in.
  2. To be able to work, even part time.
  3. I be able to talk to other people without worrying or assuming negative thoughts.


My Symptom Blog

The Outside- A Poem-ish

She reached out, tugged down a blind slat and peered through the opening. The sun was bright and made her blink, eyes stinging just a bit to re-adjust. She looks around and notices the fresh white snow. It sparkles and looks peaceful. It makes her feel safe and warm inside with her tea and books. So familiar and welcoming. She almost feels giddy with the feeling of peace, happiness and contentment. Just in here. This place.

A man scurries by purposefully striding some where. He is probably going to work. He doesn't know the dragons that he is about to face. Of course, they aren't dragons to him.
She wonders how he can get past the dragons that guard the bus. The dragon behind the wheel who would stare at her if she dared to ride. The dragons at his job. He has a job? Jobs are full of dragons waiting to jump. If she was brave or maybe stupid enough she would join the "rat race". Instead she waits for a sign. She waits to see if things will be alright? Where is the sign?

Is she waiting for rainbows? A voice from above? What will be enough to calm that feeling once she opens the door to the outside where all is visible. Everyone can see her, all of her. She shivers at the thought. What will they think? What will they say? Will they laugh? Will they mock?

It seems just a bit too risky to try. Way to risky. So many unknowns. She tests the water occasionally but that all too familiar feeling rushes in like a glass bottle thrown. Impact of sharp glass cuts open her heart, it beats wildly, the liquid rushes over her mouth, she can't slow her breath, the dull thud hits her stomach which is filled with the rushing chaos of butterflies. They won't slow down. Nothing calms them. She never knows how to trust her own body. Is this the flu? Stress? Anxiety? Panic? These dragons have broken her. They have stolen her connection to herself. She has lost herself, like a person drowning she couldn't hold the hand, grasping frantically she loses the hand of herself.

Where are you? God? It's me. How long will you allow me to be in this closet? Why am I here. Is there karma? Was I that bad? Are you really there or are you another placebo of my mind.

How can that man walk purposefully to work when she can only walk purposefully to the kitchen? Can she ever get across that barrier? Will the dragons come running, snapping at her heels. Will she make it? Can she run fast enough or can she fake it? Can she walk purposefully to her destination? If she makes it who will protect her from the dragons there?

Who will save her? should she be saved? WIll nothing calm these dragons?

--The Outside--insights into Agoraphobia, anxiety, panic and depression--dragons.

Family and Work Issues

Ok. Here goes.

I am 34 years old and I have just complete a 2 year diploma at college. I am ready to set out and work but am panicky and filled with anxiety.

I did have a job but I quit it when I had a major panic attack. The job wasn't great but it wasn't that bad. I kind of wish they people there would have at least helped me on my first day but oh well. Now I am going to try to find another job.

My husband is very supportive. My friend is supportive but I do not have any one else. I am grateful for the few I do have.

My Mother and Father both have mental illnesses and so I wasn't raised in a good way. I was taught I was useless, worthless and would never amount to much.

And so now I work towards cutting my family off as they just drag me down. They are toxic. I realize this now. I do speak to one sister who also struggles with anxiety. She doesn't eat when she is stressed while I tend to eat too much. Although lately I have no appetite at all. Strange for me.

I am mostly content though. I love my family (husband, daughter, inlaws) and my pet dog :)

Thats it for now. Take care everyone, add me as a friend if you like.