Well I haven't been on here much, been busy getting ready for 25yr to come home from Afghanistan.  He's back since mid-November, I had no idea how relieved I would be to know he is back in USA.  I didn't even need to see him just knowing the plane had safely landed and i cried harder than I had in a long time and felt soooooo good after.  He was 3 days on delays with little food and no shower and sleeping in airfield in Uzbekistan?  He looked aweful and he was the most beautiful site I had ever seen.  Christmas was good but as usual, stressful.  I don't know if its bad that I can't wait for it all to be over and get back into "routine".  It's so much easier.  Still waiting to see son, daughter-in-law and grandson.  Coming for New Years.  It's making me somewhat stressed.  Well I think I'll be ok now.  I was having anxiety attack.  I don't know if I was having 1 last night or not.  I had been cleaning with bleach yesterday and think I inhaled to many fumes.  Got a headache, my eyes were burning then just started to feel bad.  Threw up and then got really bad case of chills and shakes.  Finally went to sleep and woke up really hot and heart racing.  I had trouble eating breakfast this morning was shaking and heart racing and thought I would throw up again but didn't.  Now I'm feeling better but my mind keeps racing to all the things that I know I can't really do anything about now but I know I need to plan for. (worried that I won't be able to handle when family is here to visit)(my 16 getting her driving license)(16 going to college of her dreams)(should I try to get a job to help get out of debt)(how do I get a job when I can't function half the time at home)  Well I'm doing ok right now.  Going to go do things to get ready for New Years.

Wow talking about waking up to anxiety.  The first thing I see on the news is that 2 helicopters crash in Afghanistan and 1 helicopter is shot down.  My 24 is a crew chief on blackhawk serving in Afghanistan.  My heart immediately starts racing, my hands start to tremble and I feel lightheaded.  The news doesn't say what branch of military, what part of Afghanistan.  I spent at least an hour trying to find more information on these crashes.  Nothing.  Spent the rest of my morning praying and trying to stay calm.  I luckily had appointments to go to and things to do to keep my mind occupied.  I did pretty good keeping myself from going full blown attack.  Found information around 2:30 that it wasn't my 24s branch of military and not his type of copter.  Relief, then grief for the families of the victims.  Cried for about an hour, both relief and grief.  Got on facebook and found message from 24.  Talk about weight lifted. Probably won't be hearing from him for awhile, they are moving him out of his room. Don't know where he's going or why they are moving.  He leaves to come home inabout 20 days.  Truly can't wait until he's home and in our arms again.

Doing pretty good til yesterday.  I think its because I'm started to get a cold/flu or something.  My sinuses are draining which upsets my stomache which makes me think I'm getting an anxiety attack, which actually triggers the anxiety.  My husband hasn't been feeling good either.  So he was going thru paperwork and saw a bill for a subscription to a magazine.  I had it so I could cancel it.  It was sent to me free from my mom and it was for a year.  I'm not going to renew because its a nice magazine but not that interesting to me that I would pay for it.  Well then he went thru looking at more and more papers as if he wanted to get into a fight with me over our finances.  He brought up things that I did in the past that cost us lots of money, which I regret, but there's nothing I can do now to make that disappear. I kept my cool even tho he was getting overly angry because I "didn't explain right"  what he was asking me about.  I didn't stay in the room and just wait for him to find something, I went out of the room and took deep breaths and got a drink and made supper.  Usually I would just sit in the room and wait to get yelled at.  Which of course brought on an attack.  This time I did start to have an attack, sweating profusely, heart racing and having to go to the bathroom.  But the walking away and doing other stuff helped to keep a full blown attack from happening.  I'm also feeling my heartbeat in my left ear.  I don't want to get sick that only makes more tension in our house.  Plus my 16 has 2 more home games and I have to set up concessions.  I need to go do housework and drink some water.  That should help with the sinus problem.

   I've been paying bills, I'm not behind on bills but it is making me nervous paying them. I think its because we are heading into winter and holidays.  We always end up being short money during the winter.  Thats when we are more likely to argue about money.  I hate that this happens.  I think it could also be that its been almost a year since I was hospitalized because of my anxiety.  I've also been feeling stressed about all the drama on 16yr soccer team.  1/2 of the players don't even care when they lose to a team that they should definitely beat.  They get scored on once and then 1 by one they seem to just give up, then by the end 16yr gets so upset that only a few are really trying that 16 ends up crying.  Then when the ones that take the game seriously are upset leaving the game, the others are laughing and goofing around and making the others feel worse.  The coach is a good coach but is too easy on the team.  Won't crack down on ones that won't be serious or who have bad/selfish attitudes on field.  I feel for my 16yr, soccer means a lot.  Wants to play in D1 college soccer and then Pro.  At least 3 more weeks of this stupid drama.  I started running concession for the program and for some reason some of the parents have been coming to me complaining about their kids playing time.  I'm just concession mom.  Maybe they think I have some pull with coach because of concessions or my 16s abilities and attitude which have earned playing time. I don't say that to brag or anything but she has been noticed by colleges coaches even as a freshman.  I always knew she was good but it wasn't until we started looking at colleges that I got the idea she was that good.

   Not having a good day.  Started a couple of days ago. Hubby hiding things from me but gets extremely defensive and angry when asked about it.  Can't have a conversation with him when I'm questioning his motives.  It always gets turned around on what I've done wrong.I don't know much about computers but since he's been getting on our computer Lingerie and Naked girl stuff has been coming up as pop ups.  Monday night a very graphic porn video came up on Mediaplay when my 16yr was trying to play music while doing homework. I don't know how mediaplay works but 16yr says you have to actually click to download to mediaplay and now thinks of hubby as a pervert.  I don't know what to do, he says he didn't do it and 16 says you can't get that by accident.  I tend to believe 16 because he has had porn before and we never had this problem before he started getting on the computer about a year ago.  It makes me sick to know that my 16 had to see that kind of thing when all 16 wanted to do was homework.  Sometimes when I think about hubby looking at that stuff it makes me want to leave him but I know I can't survive without him.  I can't hold a job, I don't want to burden my family with having to take care of me financially. I don't know what I should do.  For the most part hubby and I are good, there are just a couple of things that really hurt and bother me and make me think I should leave him.  And that is mostly because I feel like I'm saying to 16yr that its ok for hubby to look at that stuff.  I don't know,  all I know is this doesn't help my anxiety at all.   I wish I could just get hubby to open up about why. I try so hard to make sure 16yr stays emotionally healthy, I don't know. I wish I could get hubby to go to therapy, for himself and with me for marriage counseling.  I'm in therapy to help get me better but I know he could benefit from therapy too.  His childhood was less than perfect.  He hasn't spoken to his parents for 5 years now.  He hates his mother and brother and sister.  I kind of understand and I think he is probably better off not talking to them.  I feel better since we stopped having anything to do with them.  They were very controlling and manipulative and caused problems for us financially and emotionally. I think this is why he won't open up and talk things out when there are problems.  After having a family like that all your life I'm sure it would be hard to trust people.  They did influence me in bad ways also.  Not that it is all their fault because I let myself be influenced, I could have said no.  I hid financial problems from hubby and thats why now he doesn't trust me.  That is out in the open now but he still feels it, and why wouldn't he.  I wish I had made better choices earlier thru my life.  Maybe I wouldn't have so much anxiety now.  I feel like I didnt follow my heart thru the years.  I'm listening more now to where God is guiding me but it is so hard now that I am so far into my anxiety. I pray for God to give me the strength to rebuild my marriage and to help hubby find a way to open up and have good relationships with our kids. 

Not feeling good today, not sure why.  Was having hot flashes and feeling nauseas.  Hubby was a little concerned but seemed to be irritated by it.  I think he felt he had done something to trigger it.  Since it happened as soon as I was awake I don't know how he could go to that conclusion.  I haven't slept well in the last couple days and I'm not sure why that happened either.  I know that when I don't sleep I have more trouble with anxiety.  I have Ambien to take but I have to be able to sleep 8-9 hours to take it without any problems and I got home late Saturday and couldn't take it and I felt like I was going to be able to go to sleep on my own last night.  I almost did.  I was already in bed and getting relaxed then hubby came in and got my mind going and by then it was too late to take meds.  I need to talk to him about not bringing up "what needs to be done tomorrow" right before bedtime, especially not when we're already in bed.  I hate having to bring stuff like that up because he gets pouty, but I need to start taking better care of myself. I wish I had stood up for myself 20 years ago.  I've never been one to write in a "diary" but this seems to help to get this kind of stuff off my chest.  I started feeling a little better after I laid down for an hour after hubby went to work.  Then having something to eat and "talking" this out has helped alot.  I guess sometimes when I stay in my head and don't get it out by really talking to someone or writing it down, I don't always figure out why it is happening.  Usually there is something that gets it started.  I forgot Saturday night being awake until 3am.  I've been doing a little exposure therapy.  my 16yr plays soccer at school so I volunteered to be in charge of the concession stand.  I get people to work and I do the setting up, show them what they need to do, check part way thru games to see if they need anything from storage, then I get to watch the games, and at the end I have to close everything up and put $$$ in the safe.  It's been going pretty good so far.  I have to call people I don't know to remind them they have to work that day.  I hate having to talk to people I don't know, always gets me a little anxious, but after I talk to them I feel really good.  It probably seems small and stupid to some people but I really feel like I've accomplished something just by being able to make that call.  This week will be a little bit of a challenge because we have 2 home games this week.  Deep breaths and 1 game at a time.  I'm never really was good talking to people face to face either, I still after having to show people how to do things, uncomfortable having to talk to people I haven't known for a long time.  I used to just find a place to sit where I knew people wouldn't talk to me and I would just keep to myself. I still do that a little bit at away games.  I don't know if I should push myself to sit and talk to people when I just want to relax and watch the game.  There is a lot of bickering amongst the girls and their parents about playing time, and where the coach is playing their girls.  They all seem to want to come to me and say something about it.  My daughter usually plays the whole game, but she never complains about being taken out.  She usually appreciates the break.  She has been taken out 1 game we were winning by 6 at the half and she sat the whole second 1/2.  She had 2 other games she sat the last 12 minutes and the last game she sat the last 7 1/2 minutes.  She usually says she's fine with it because she's been hit or kicked and is ready to rest.  I really don't want to sound like my daughter doesn't complain, she does, but just to me after we are alone.  And I think that is just blowing off steam.  I just get really uncomfortable people coming to me like that.  Hubby just called.  he wanted to see how I was doing  now I'm a little anxious again because he said there was something else he wanted me to do, "that I should have done already but because I don't write things down, I forget"  but he forgot what it was and got a little irritated.  I don't know what to do.  The more I try to talk to him about things that set off my anxiety the more he pulls away and that makes my anxiety worse.  How can you get someone who's not physically affectionate to become more affectionate?