| |
|
I hate my support person.
8/29/2010 5:11:46 PM
I'm so angry and I don't know how to deal with it. It is to my support person. She just wants to control me and never hear me out and it sucks because I need her to take me places. I've pledged to myself that I will use her to my advantage until I get better so that as soon as I do, I can move out but I don't know how to just fake it. My anxiety gets to me when I have to see her. But she's the only person I don't feel as ashamed of expressing my anxiety. I feel trapped. I don't know what to do.
|
|
Feeling Anxious
8/4/2010 9:33:31 PM
I've been feeling anxious these past few days and it's not really subsiding. I got a mini PA a few mins ago because I was trying to excercise. I think I know what triggered it... it's because my whole family is home and I feel a lot of pressure... like do I have to take care of the dinner? Etc. I get so into those thoughts like, I have to do this, I have to do that. Also, I rarely step out of my house weekly, I only go to the library every week and on occasion, the groceries or garage sales. I get so depressed when every single day is like that and I feel so unhealthy and guilty. I catch myself thinking about how I can't go on road trips or go out with friends or have friends. I dwell on those things unconciously. But then, I have a project I'm working on and I'll get to indulge in it this weekend... so when I think of that, I feel happy and motivated. So I try to keep forcing my mind towards that... but sometimes it just doesn't work. So many things happened this week and it's got me thinking a lot... and depressed. Oh, well, I'll put my faith in time and tomorrow, and hopefully tomorrow is a better day. Well, tomorrow, everyone will be a work so I will be a little free.
|
|
Happy Today.
7/26/2010 7:54:16 PM
Last night I sat through dinner and washing dishes without ANY anxiety. That is such great news for me because majority of the time I usually do. This morning I went to the Library and I still didn't get any anxiety. On top of that I found books I've wanted at the bookstore so I'm super happy about that. Today was such a nice day.
|
|
Feeling better with Routine
7/25/2010 2:03:37 AM
I changed my routine a bit and feel a little better. I started sleeping early so I can wake up early and I do bits of thing everyday around the same time. I take a little walk (still afraid to) in the morning and then yoga. I study after that and do chores and later in the day I exercise and prep for dinner, watch my tv show and sleep early.
|
|
Depressed
7/19/2010 5:41:23 PM
I feel like what is the point of trying? Eventually i will fall back down. I saw an entry in my journal that I wrote almost exactly a year ago and I feel the same exact things that I've written today. I try to remember a year before that and I was still getting things done but with a lot of strain. i read peoples' posts and how some people can accomplish things but in the end, it's how much we can tolerate the anxiety. it seems like the anxiety will stay though... and to live life it seems like I'm going to just force myself to smile. well, today the forcing is not working.. the forceing is worse than the frown.. so I'd rather frown. so annoyed today.
|
|
Accomplishments Part 2
7/17/2010 11:47:15 PM
4. Rediscovering my own morals... what I want and agree with.
5. Getting in touch with my creative side... creating many new things I was always too busy for.
6. I've been exercising and keeping at it. It used to get me anxious but now it makes me more happier and confident the more I do it!
|
|
Accomplishments
7/8/2010 8:54:24 PM
Summer 2006... 4 years ago, is when I started to get constant anxiety and panic attacks. I can't believe how long it has been. I've changed so much, good and bad.
I'd like to list all the accomplishments I've made since then.
1. I wasn't able to sit still in the bath/shower. I can do both now.
2. I wasn't able to sleep alone. I can do that now and when there is nobody else upstairs.
3. I wasn't able to ride in a car. I can do that.. still with a lot of nervousness... but getting better.
To be continued.
|
|
June 22, 2010
6/22/2010 5:04:42 PM
I finally came back on here after 2 weeks. I was occupied making fliers for someone and I also am following up on the World Cup. I never was a sports fan so it's a refreshing new start and air in my life. I like to see how I change. As I have mentioned before in the discussions, there are guests at my house right now. I've know this guest as long as I remember but she lives in another country so we never really saw each other. She is a friend of my parents. She is very judgmental and likes to control things. I was dreading her arrival and as I have suspected it is hell. Things have been stirred in my family... well, there was always something so the guest helped to bring it out... and I really want to move out. I am terrified though. I haven't done anything on my own for the past year and a half and to live out all on my own is terrifiying, but my limit is about to be reached. I might just push myself with eyes closed and see where it may take me.
|
|
June 3, 2010
6/4/2010 12:11:35 AM
Anxiety: 0-10
Depression: 0-10
Today I did yoga, did chores, studied, and started a new painting. I had a slight fever today, felt hot flashes. The days are getting hotter too... summer is almost here. I didn't exercise again... feeling a little guilty about that. I know I SHOULD... but, OH WELL.
I've uploaded a new photo. An unfinished piece.
I also saw an artist's travel blog online. It was very inspiring and it made me really really want to travel one day. I did feel a little jealous, but surprisingly it didn't last. Maybe I'm becoming closer at accepting myself. But one day I know I will travel this world.
|
|
June 2, 2010
6/3/2010 2:21:49 AM
Anxiety:0-50
Depression 0-30
Today I did laundry, made blueberry muffins, did yoga, studied, and designed more fliers. I skipped exercising again, because I still feel dizzy and fatigued.
Family member had minor surgery done today and I was a little worried about that. During dinner, I was getting irritated because of family members and I did get a little anxious. I went into the other room and felt better. Now, I'm feeling better, just tired. Time to sleep.
Ps. I just remembered I got antsy during yoga this morning. I often do when I'm impatient. I sometimes have trouble concentrating because I tend to wander off in some of my thoughts which can be negative and impatient. These times, I get anxious when I do yoga. I get anxious during poses where my abdomen feels tight. There are days when it doesn't bother me but there are days that they do.
|
|
Hello June
6/1/2010 9:15:28 PM
Anxiety: 0-30
Depression: 0-35
Today I feel fatigued and drowsy. My ears seem like they are being pulled apart and my sinus feels like a slight burn and my throat too. My chest does too. I feel just exhausted. I didn't do much today, I don't really know why I'm feeling this, maybe it's the dry weather. I was concentrating on the computer but I felt it from before. My stomach feels acidy. Maybe it's just that time of the month. I don't feel so anxious though, but just tired. My head feels like it's being pressed together too. Is it allergies? Probably. I may not check out the forums today.
Today I did yoga, did a little dinner prep, and made some fliers for someone. I also studied.
|
|
May 31, 2010
5/31/2010 5:44:57 PM
Anxiety: 0-10
Depression: 0-10
Today I did yoga and studied. During yoga, I kept remembering about angry things from my past... yoga seems to do that sometimes. It was a little irritating since family was home too, but since now I'm in my own 'sanctuary' it's ok.
(Posted in Discussion:)
Although Saturdays are the days I planned for grocery exposure, I
didn't go this Saturday. I became really scared because it was memorial
weekend and I felt extra dizzy that day. I felt a little disappointed
but tried to forget about it. The next day on Sunday, I thought i can
try then, or since I need to get more art supplies, I can try going to
the art store. The art store is a little farther than the groceries but
I was sure it would be less crowded because everyone will be buying
their bbq gear at the grocery. So I decided to push myself to go to the
art store because I was still very scared again. I told my support
person I probably wont make it so I can put the pressure off if she was
expecting I can. But guess what? I made it in. It was really quick
though and not a lot of people there but i didn't feel anxiety and I
checked out by myself. I felt really happy after and the nervousness
was gone. I just wish I can feel this way every time I DO the exposure
not after it's done.
|
|
May 28, 2010
5/28/2010 7:48:37 PM
Anxiety 0-10
Depression 0-5
Today I vacuumed the house, did yoga, made soup, studied, and finished a painting. It's a nice sunny day. I haven't had obvious anxiety yet. I do great when home alone and I have motivation to do things. I can't believe it's the weekend already. Weekend= exposure time. I wonder how I'll do, but I try not to think about it. Learning to only think of the now... not the past or present.
"There are cycles of success, when things come to you and thrive, and cycles of failure, when they wither or disintegrate and you have to let them go in order to make room for new things to arise, or for transformation to happen. If you cling and resist at that point, it means you are refusing to go with the flow of life, and you will suffer." The Power of Now
Accept, let go, let it be, surrender, forgive.
|
|
May 24, 2010 Monday
5/24/2010 6:50:31 PM
Anxiety: 0-60
Depression: 0-30
(What I wrote in Success Discussion today.)
Today, I tried staying at the Library for an hour. I was getting anxious
about it but decided I'll just see how it goes. I got all the books I
wanted to read and I started to get more anxious. I decided I'll look
around the structure to find things I didn't know about, like how the
lighting is etc. That worked a little but after I started getting
'bored' since I got all my books, I decided I'll just go home since
there wasn't much else to do. So I didn't get to stay for an hour. I'll
keep trying it out, as I watch how I deal with it and eventually
hopefully I'll be ok in a new surrounding that is not my comfortable
zone. After the library we went to the pharmacy and I went in but I was
already anxious and the smell of the cosmetics started to bug me. I
thought I should try breathing deeply but I didn't want to inhale the
smell so I chickened out. I got tunnel vision and I went back to the
car. I was fine as soon as I reached the car. I filled out my form and I
felt a little disappointed... I wrote down that "I can't even stand on
my own two feet literally... how can I do anything else." But soon after
I told myself, well, today was just not so great day for exposure for
me and I will have those days, but I will have days like Saturday too.
And felt a little better and let it go. I don't feel anxious anymore at
all, at home now.
|
|
May 23, 2010
5/23/2010 10:58:58 PM
Anxiety: 0-45
Depression: 0-5
Yesterday, on Saturday, I was able to go to the grocery store. I don't remember when that last time I went was. This is going to be my exposure for every week now. Saturdays are the most crowded but I was still able to go inside and get all the things we needed AND waited in line. I was ready to skip the line and wait for my support person to pay but I was able to wait with her. I also went to a garage sale by myself in my neighborhood.
Today was a nice day. Didn't do much. Daydreaming about the day I become OK with myself... and when I will travel and learn and meet new things and people. My friend went to travel and I saw her photos. I felt jealous of how she can just go. But I will get there one day.
|
| |